Wasted Years

"So understand, you're wasting time always searching for those wasted years.

Face it. Make your stand, and realize you're living in the golden years"

    I was talking to a very close friend about some problems I've been having. We were talking about family. It occurred to me that even though you might be related to someone, that doesn't make them family. 

    I've had a lot of stress lately, mostly because of "family" issues. To semi-explain the situation, I must start from the beginning. My "dad" is basically an idiot who only cares about himself and what's in his best interest, even though he says that's not the case. He and my mom never married, thank God, and he was in and out of my life for 15 years (first mistake). He would see me when it was convenient for him, and skipped out on child support so he could go out to bars or buy stuff for his latest girlfriend. He did this until I was 15 years old, and decided that he finally wanted to be a "daddy". So he takes my mom to court (second mistake). He does what he promised me he would never do, and changes my legal last name (third mistake). He then tries to act like everything's fine and dandy, and continues to disappoint and break every promise he ever made (fourth mistake). 

    A year and a half passes by, and my mother passed away. He actually does something right, and let's me live with my step-dad (who I consider my real dad) and my little brother. BUT, he stops paying child support, what little child support he paid any way (BIG MISTAKE). I was in the high school band all four years, and in those four years, he came to two competitions... that were in his home town (Is this #6?). This year, he went over 100 miles to his step-daughter's dance competition.

    I was excited about graduating a little over a month ago. I just couldn't wait. It was going to be my night, and nothing wrong would mess that up, right? WRONG. Instead of being able to enjoy that pivotal moment in my life, he manages to ruin that too (I gave up counting at this point). We were told that if it rained on the night of graduation, we had ten tickets for seating in the gym that was first come first serve, no alternative. I had enough for him and his wife. I didn't have enough for his entire family. He basically tells me to find a way ( in other words, give every ticket I had to them and not invite my real family). I stressed... hard. It rained on graduation night, but they let everyone in, instead of getting tickets. All my problems were solved... or so I thought. 

    At my school, they don't trust enough, so they don't actually give you the diploma when you walk the line. They only give the diploma cover. So, the seniors have to march out to get the actual diplomas. He and his family want he to jump out of line marching out so I can talk to them, like it doesn't matter. Mind, it's either talk to them or get my diploma. So I march out with the seniors, and they act like I murdered somebody. They constantly tried to make me feel guilty for something that completely out of my control. This went on for about two weeks, and I finally had enough of it. I haven't talked to them in close to three weeks, and I've felt great until today. 

    Today is Father's Day, and as I feared, they started to try to make me feel guilty again. I've had enough. They cling on to the idea that "we're family and nothing should change that", but that is FAR from the case. Just because you're related does not mean you're family. Families are supposed to love and care about each other and each other's best interests, not be selfish and think only of what's best for themselves. I have friends that are truly closer than blood relatives, and truly love me and care about me. Not only do I have friends like that, I also have a step-dad that does anything he can for me and loves me like I'm his own. He has done more in the past year and a half than my "father" has done in my entire life, and he's been there since I was seven years old. I thank God for him, and my real family every day. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Set me free again.

"Do you remember the days

We built these paper mountains

And sat and watched them burn

I think I found my place

Can't you feel it growing stronger

Little conqueror"

    As I write this, I am less than 24 hours away from graduating high school. In a word, it's bittersweet. I've made so many close friends and had so many great memories the past 4 years. Time really does fly. It doesn't seem like it's been 4 years since I started high school. Where did it all go? I mean, I've heard people say enjoy it because it will pass by very quickly. I never believed them until I started walking out the doors on the last day for seniors.

    It's been an emotional roller-coaster, the past few years. It's like Led Zeppelin said, "Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share." Even though I try to live without regrets, I still have a few about high school. I wish I would've been more outgoing and a little more self-confident. I tried to be, but not nearly hard enough. To be honest, I won't miss the school at all. I will miss the good friends that I'm leaving behind, and that's not just fellow classmates. I've come to befriend more than a few of my former teachers. One teacher, I will miss more than the rest because he has become more of a father figure and a role model to me. He taught me valuable lessons, not only in his field (and my future occupation), but also life lessons that will be extremely valuable in the future.

    Although I will miss them all dearly, I am looking forward to starting a whole new chapter of my life by starting college this Fall. I simply cannot wait to start college and kick-start my career of being a music teacher. I'll meet more new people and make many more new friends. If these 4 years of high school have flown by, I can't begin to imagine how fast the time will fly once I begin college. It's unreal just imagining that in 5 years, I will be a college graduate and looking for a job as a music teacher.

    High school has been a wonderful experience. I will miss it, but I know because I'm about to graduate, I'm one step closer to fulfilling my dreams. That's all that really matters to me. If you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

Still Beats Your Name...

"Let this burden drift away

My pledge remains faithful to you

and my heart still beats your name"

You know, we all have regrets in life, whether we want to admit it or not. I've been kinda down about a few things recently, and it's all about what I regret. Just like everyone else, I regret things I've done in the past, and I also regret things that I didn't do when I had the opportunity. I found myself in one of those meditative states, looking at my past and realizing what I should have done. 

I thought about how I treated my mom before she passed away. I wasn't mean to her, but I could have treated her far better. One Friday, we got into an argument right before I had to leave to go to my dad's for the weekend. Of course, before I left, I told her I was sorry and told her I loved her, then I left. We talked that Saturday morning like nothing happened the day before, but only for a minute. That night, she sent me a text message telling me that she loved me, and she couldn't wait to see me the next day. Unfortunately, I didn't text back, because I was watching a movie. No big deal, right? Wrong. My mother passed away that Sunday at about 2 a.m. I never got to say good bye. That is my single biggest regret. I will never forgive myself for the rest of my life for that.

The past few weeks have really been a revelation for me. As graduation gets closer every day, I became more and more aware of things I should have done a long time ago. I'm trying to take advantage of the time I have left, but I can't help but feel like I'm too late. My love life is less than stellar, by far. I honestly don't regret but a few ex-girlfriends, but I do regret people that I should have taken the risk with. I've really kicked myself in the butt for it, even though I know that won't help anything. I really wish I would've acted sooner ( or acted at all) with some. The worst feeling about it is that I'm just now realizing it at the end of my senior year. 

But I guess that's life. Everyone has regrets. It's just a burden we must bare.

Life

"Moving on is a simple thing... What it leaves behind is hard." - Dave Mustaine

I've been thinking a lot lately about this wild ride we call life, and how some take no risks, or take it for granted. I haven't had the best of luck throughout life so far, but life is what you make of it. I hate to hear people complain about their lives. If you don't enjoy your life... change it. Only you have the power to do that. You are your own best friend, and at the same time, your worst enemy. If you choose to complain about your life, it's not going to be fun. And yes, I understand all too well that there are things in this world beyond anyone's control, but there are those (like me) who choose to endure through dark times and see the good in life.

Take chances. Go beyond the distance. Break through the obstacles that life puts in your way. Do something with your life. It's incredibly rewarding to know you've made a difference in the world in some way, even if you've changed just one person's prospective in a positive way. That's one of the main reasons I'm studying to be a music teacher. Since I was very little, I've had a passion for music. I believe if I can share that passion with one person, I'll be satisfied with my career. 

Life can be rough, as we all know. There will be dark times. Two years ago, my mother passed away. It was, undoubtedly, the worst experience of my very short life. As a 16 year old, losing your closest friend and relative is hard. I have never been so depressed. It took great friends, great family, great music, and a loving and merciful God to get me through. When I was depressed, I thought only of myself. The old "whoa is me" kind of thing. But then I realized, "There are other people around you that care about you, and depend on you for strength, stupid." It took a little while, but I was focused on making my world a better place. That was almost 2 years ago, and I believe I'm a much better person now because of it. It may not seem like it in your times of sorrow, but everything does happen for a reason.